uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
What is going on? 😅
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.