Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

Not recommended for beginners.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

Thinking about Jeff

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”