Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
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Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I cannot call her anything else now
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.