Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Greeting humans vs their dogs

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.