Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog learned how to text

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.