Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

The 4 stages of a family vacation

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap