Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Happy birthday to all the women

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

craving $300 all of a sudden

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.