Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

😭😭😭

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.