Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
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@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
They did not miss in the small print
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers