Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
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Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
how DARE
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.