Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”