Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

This probably isn’t good

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.