Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

One of the best

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

$3 #books

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.