Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you order from DoorDastardly

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.