Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s