Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
8, peering closely at me: what鈥檚 that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
when you lie on your r茅sum茅 about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
The only way I鈥檇 be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
(Gaming support cat.)
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don鈥檛 make sense.
Nurse: I鈥檝e never seen anything like this before
Me: I don鈥檛 even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 馃ゴ
Schools be like there鈥檚 not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don鈥檛 have to spell restarunt.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.