Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
How I’d get arrested…
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.