Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.