Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

When someone trying to leave me

British people

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

When can I start eating bats again.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.