Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends