Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
You Might Also Like
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.