Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱