Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
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“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’