Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

this is one of the funniest videos of all time

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin