Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti