Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
So Hamburger help me, God
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.