Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?