knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first