Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Home #decor warning.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
