Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The second world war should have been called world war returns

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

Damn he played himself

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

Love this guy

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.

*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.