Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂