Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
(Jupiter –