Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
my favorite gender
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.