Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
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This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
how do y’all walk in shallow water
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
going to bed
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.