Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Lmao

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]