Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
This was my dad’s browser history.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok