Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

had to make it

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?