Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Hmm 🧐

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing