knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
