Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
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Best spoiler warning ever
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.