Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
You Might Also Like
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“Great, now I have to pee.”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
They’re not wrong
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister