Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.