Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk