Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

brian had himself a morning…

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat