Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

Support your local cemetery

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

I disagree with my politics

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter