Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
is it earth
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation