Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.