*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town