*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
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[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap