Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

can you read it!!??

maan!

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?