Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

they split up moments later

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.