Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
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That took me a moment.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.