Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
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I have questions??
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
😜
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
🗽
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.