Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.