Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.