Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too