Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
When you put it that way… 😂
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
