KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*