Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.