Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
#FunnyLife Insects
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.