Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
why would tinder want me to say this
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Sunday
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.