Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

My first child will be named New Folder.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Here to help

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek