Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

🙂🐾

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Yes

I didn’t know they can drive…

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.