[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
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Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee