Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

The sacred texts.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.