Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

when she block me on everything

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”