kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
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If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: