Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

I’ve been lied to my entire life

In case you needed to hear it:

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

the only organized thing in my life is crime

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

Something Saturday.

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?