Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

Möther may I have a snäck

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

😂

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.