[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
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She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[shakes fist at other fist]
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water