[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Social Media and Real life
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.