[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I know this now 😂
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
lol
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it