@chrisdowning

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

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@chuuew

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

@NOTVIKING

all i wanna do is

*gunshot*
*gunshot*
*gunshot*
*gunshot*

find the safety on this gun

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

@AudreyPorne

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

@chuuew

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

@KateWhineHall

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

@chellemybell22

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

@iamspacegirl

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

@WalkingOutside

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.