Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george